What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 07:31
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Who then, do I blame.?
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
What nonsense did you hear today in India that made you laugh?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Which country do you recommend for me to live in, England, the USA, Italy, Spanish, or Austria?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
He knew the spot.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But, we were locked up after school.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I waited trembling.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
I said to her
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She loved him until the end.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was scared of men, in general
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I have no regrets .
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Especially a lifetime of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.